Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
