That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
