If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
