Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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