she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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