I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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