i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
