plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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