I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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