I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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