ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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