I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
