my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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