Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
