i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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