I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
