I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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