Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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