are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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