I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
