Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
