That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
