Betty ford says i'm here all night
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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