You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize