we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
