Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
