I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
