I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
