can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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