come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
