If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize