our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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