dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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