Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize