At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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