just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
