Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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