Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
