I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
