It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
