I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
