did you get engaged???
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
