i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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