woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize