Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
