and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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