jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He has the fingertips of a God
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
