Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
