I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
