Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
