All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize