First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
