Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
