That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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