closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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