I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
