let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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