i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
