Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
